Unlike previous yearbooks this one I could barely see being completed before starting it. For two reasons.
First, I cannot define my stance towards what I am doing. Before I would be able to write where I would want or – at least – wouldn’t want to be (emotional reaction had a direction). Now I am unsure about what I feel and what I think. And even when I am sure, I am still unsure about what to do: should I see it as a guiding line, should I consider it to be a delusion? No answer.
Second, previously I was mostly in single-player mode: defining a position towards ideas, things and myself in a radical words was easy. I would not usually risk at all: no one cares what I think about Buddhism, agricultural activities of Antaiji and the Universe in general. Now I have more connections with people and it might be necessary to make a statement regarding not only things, but also human beings and – more important – specific human beings. Such a thing costs more and only deepens doubts from the previous paragraph, thus paralyzing further.
Recap. As for the last yearbook, I had decided to leave Toshoji and not come back to Antaiji – for the sake of love, without even asking the other side what she might think about this and hoping that the fact that my visa expires one month after the potential moment of leaving the temple will not be a serious obstacle. Practically, I have changed my mind after talking to Eko-san, making the whole last yearbook irrelevant for both what happened and what I’ve thought about it. Not for the first time.
Yes, I am still where I had been when the last text was uploaded. As for relatively big things: In February, romantic relationship was recognized to be such by both sides. In July I had a Dharma Battle ceremony in Toshoji (which is considered to be an important step in a monastic career, but I can hardly see why this might be important for me except for the potential career advance). In September I went to Antaiji for a month for rice harvesting season. Now at the end of November another Dharma Battle ceremony (not mine) has just finished and Rohatsu Sesshin has almost started, but otherwise I am in the middle of nowhere. It feels like a huge amount of things were undertaken from January to December, but practically I am still at the same place doing the same things, losing motivation to start something new more and more (presently I do not even consider having no such a motivation as a problem, though).
In August before visiting Antaiji I was going to leave Toshoji completely to continue practice in Antaiji once again, but it did not happen. Failed to let go, probably. In September after returning from Antaiji I wanted to remove my name from Soto-shu monks registry, but it also has not happened. Was to busy with cooking and conducting ceremonies, apparently. By now I am only worried about what happened in November and cannot see further than the middle or end of January, but more details are necessary… Try to go slower.
Part 1. Main.
Before getting to Zen practice section, it is necessary to write a couple of things about what else is happening in my life. It might be extremely boring, since these things are the last people would be interested to read from whoever is decided to stay and practice in a Zen temple, but these are the most important ones for me to put in order. I would prefer to go with names, but people’s lives after visiting a temple is usually way longer than the stay in it was. No names.
Set. Part N.
Starting from September of the last year, a romantic affair had happened to me (and I had no agency over it). “I’ve met a person I have not even expected to meet again” – I wrote in the previous yearbook. Unlike for the first time, I had enough of compassion to my future self to take that person’s contacts and be in touch. This kind of engagement was precisely what was necessary at that point to divert my attention from trying to resolve all the problems implied by the fact that I am spending hours and hours on a daily basis chanting irrelevant texts and mastering my prostrations technique. From that point on, due to that new dimension of my life my being in a temple was not in the focus anymore and I could relax a little bit.
My first take on this matter was to promise to the person to come and say that I am going to stop my monk’s training, go to my friend’s place and try to survive there somehow. I’ve ever sent an application resume for two places in that region – to have a basis for the next visa extension – received an answer and an appointment for an interview. I’ve decided where to apply by filtering offers and showing only those have JLPT N1 as a requirement, so ended up applying for two positions relevant to hotel management (kinda similar to monastery, I thought). Lady on the opposite side during the interview proposed impossible: to have one more interview with a dressing more official than black samue, a room for the interview rather than a community park with a free Wi-Fi (which happened to be located relatively close to the temple) and to mention in my introduction why I want to get precisely this job. I’ve taken the first and the second points, but the third one I could not get – since I’ve stated clearly that what I wanted was a location and location only. I’ve received a sample video in which a girl who can barely speak Japanese forces herself to constantly smile while explaining to the camera why she wants to do service job for her whole life from now on and how she aspired to do it for the whole life before; and received a proposal to wait for offers similar, but not requiring an education in the area (wow, there are colleges for this – I thought), but answered that I’m not interested and feel sorry for taking lady’s time. The first interview for the job of my life had also become the last one. I was out of that world for my whole life and did not really feel like attempting to get in.
The next strategy was just to leave and see what happens, hopefully finding something after arriving to the destination point (this is how I arrived to Antaiji for the first time, though). This strategy was discussed with Eko-san. For whatever reason more than half of the talk was about where and how is it possible to do Hossenshiki, and her conclusion was that Toshoji is the best choice for both me and Antaiji. Everything else was discussed as well but with less attention to details. She said that one of practitioners who left for similar reasons wrote an email in which he says that family life is less a pleasure than he expected; mentioned that if my plan will not work out, I might end up returning to my homecountry from which getting a new permission for entry will probably be more complicated due to Kyrgyzstan’s position in relation to the war; said that the whole thing might be a huge misunderstanding from my side and whoever is waiting me might actually have someone else; also giving a short explanation how zazen and practice is a kind of a cold shower for the sake of calming down and do not behave recklessly and emotionally. I’ve only left with a question of whether she gives similar talks to people which are ready to leave their jobs and potential careers for the sake of coming to Antaiji – as emotionally as it could be – but did not have anything to say actually about myself. My actions, though, were significant: I’ve decided that leaving now might create some complications, and decided to stay.
Fortunately, upon discussing everything with my friend, we agreed that she will come to Toshoji in February for a week or so. That happened and we spent a great time despite how cold it was. It was decided that Hossenshiki will happen in Toshoji. A bit later the month and the day were decided as well.
For me it was a first continuous romantic affair in my life, but the thing which I’ve noticed is that being in love makes it easier by removing a certain things rather than by adding others. For some people this might not be the case, but for me the whole physical component was interesting as far as it means something. Being trusted is heart-warming, while hugs, kisses and so on are immediately being recognized by the mind as a series of physical movements and a sets of physical sensations, not interesting per se. And eventually those feelings which imply warmth and care are possible to replicate even without a direct physical contact, thus communication becomes the only interesting part. Obviously, all of these are overstatements to an extent, but the fact that in the moment none of the given interactions feels good or feels bad is present. Yet, the overall emotional scenery is the thing which feels good undeniably – at least looking from my worldly perspective, at least on the given stage.
On the other hand, removing the whole play inside my mind about what the hell I am doing with my life helps. Having someone to talk to and to listen to on the daily basis, helps even more. From February up to this point my life consisted from two sides: I would practice in the temple during the day and have a long phone talk about just anything in the evening. Additionally to this, the person I am talking about also arrived to my Hossenshiki and we spent a month together with me in Antaiji in August-September. Details here are emotionally charged, but given how happy memories are I’m going to keep them for myself. Irrelevant.
Set. Part A.
Everything would be too simple, if everything goes just perfect. My problem at this point is that despite having a loving and caring partner, I would end up getting emotionally involved (could be called shorter) in dealing with other potential mates (could be called shorter as well). Given that any interaction between people is a form of a social contract, the whole thing is not necessarily damaging anyone long-term if everyone is OK with the existence of each other or unaware of it – I ended up thinking. Being silent is not an option since it creates a huge gap between what I know and what the person on the other end of the line knows damaging communication, while having everyone reached consensus is theoretically possible – if enough of arguments are presented from my side to convince sides B and C – but practically is not – since of arguments I have none. With the fact that falling into emotional involvement is outside of my control, the conclusion is hard to reach. The person I am writing about from here on is different from the one in the previous part.
In March she arrived to Toshoji for a short-term sanzen-practice. There were close to zero interactions between me and her for those couple of weeks, but for some reason I tried to avoid her for the most of the stay, but preferred to be around or have her around me at any given time closer to the very end of the stay. Felt disappointed and frustrated when she left at the end of the month.
She was back in June a couple of weeks before my Hossenshiki. Up to that point the amount of communication was also a rather small – obviously, as a first monk I had to decide what she is going to do for samu and so on, but the amount of control from my side around there was minimal – things which have to be done have to be done and the amount of people able to do them is limited, so the choice is close to non-existent. Otherwise, given the fact that she has a certain food intolerance, I could only do my best to ensure that no strange thing would end up on her plate or make a small special dish if necessary. And other examples of taking care in a rather selective way: innocent as actions, until motivation has taken into account. I’ve considered this to be a problem, but was not trying to resolve it.
Around the dates of Hossenshiki, when my beloved partner, which I’ve met in Antaiji, was here I’ve tried to keep two of them as close as possible for no apparent reason, but would not do anything from my side. If it would happen that I am spending time with one person, I would think about the other one. And vice versa. No conclusion, though, but by this point I’ve started considering normal (at least usual) that my emotional involvement has more than one point of destination.
Hossenshiki happned in June. I cannot easily remember anything significant happening during July. At a certain point – while being away from the temple for a day and feeling rather devastated emotionally – I’ve ordered a book with a bunch of recipes which could be appropriate for the person mentioned and started using it for making things. Closer to the end of August, I’ve spent a couple of weeks with her in the kitchen enjoying working with a person who is actually not only skilled, but also interested in what she’s doing. At the end of August I had to leave to visit Antaiji.
Looking from Antaiji there was no use whatsoever in staying at Toshoji any longer after my Hossenshiki was over and shuso-period has finished, but letting go of everything in Toshoji did not look like an option. The thing is: I’ve started enjoying staying in Toshoji and was able to work with a person I did like working with. With a time the romantic attraction was getting slightly lower (or was calming down), but as a shared activity it was something I could not immediately (not as a promise) find in Antaiji or anywhere else. As a conclusion I’ve decided to take one month of a break instead of just leaving, not knowing what should I do with all the things happening long-term.
Upon returning to Toshoji the way I would interact and look for connection stayed the same: making things for the person and making things with the person. On a certain occasion, I’ve mistreated something considering it to be a signal to take some actions or lose it all (while it was just a mood fluctuation – seemingly), increased the amount of attention from my side over the safety line, thus causing a shutdown response. For a several days I’d been feeling that if I don’t do anything, everything will be gone, while probably doing nothing would be the safest. I felt stunned and lost.
Interaction.
On that day, I was rather irritated and thought that my nice daily life is going to fall apart. Like always, I had a long phone talk with my fiancé – this time confessing and explaining in details what kind of connection I have here, what kind of connection it might end up becoming and asking for an opinion. I’d propose coexistence, but she did not agree. Since nothing dramatically bad had actually happened, she proposed me to suspend any talks until I decide who is the one and the only option, closer to the end of the talk pointing out to the fact that she is in connection with me for a long time, visited Toshoji several times and sent packages and letters filled and written with love and care, while the other person has just happened to be at the same place. My initial position in the beginning was that I cannot decide and easily say a word about my choice, but closer to the end of the talk I could not resist, but admit that she should be the one and she is the one. Both rationally and morally judging: by no way she has deserved the whole bullshit of a talk happening due to my actions, especially since there was not even one single thing which she has done wrong up to this point.
The next day everything was back to normal (talking about both sides), but I had a strange dream.
I’ve seen how I am asking my Toshoji counterpart for come closer and she says “Sorry, No” explaining that it is already too much of me in her life. Trying to do something, I wrote a letter (the content of which I cannot recall). The next scene was behind the graveyard next to the monastery and she would ask me about the contents of the letter, point by point. The conclusion was not the easiest to grasp, but the talk was going like: “The things are happening to fast and I am not really interested in what you can have for me… Except for that, when you told to your friend that she is not your first option, I guess she was not OK with that. Given that… what should we do with what’s happening between us?” I’ve asked “Something is happening between us? I thought “Sorry, No” means nothing is…” Then for whatever reason the talk topic changed to risk and it was said to me that doing everything the way I’ve done is simultaneously the most timid and the most safe. As it usually happens with dreams, I cannot recall what have we decided to do with the whole thing, but at least – I thought immediately after awakening – she’s not completely against me.
Reality stayed unchanged though. Mood fluctuation or whatever it was from one side was gone, while the other side considered that I’ve not deserved a capital punishment yet and everything can go more or less the way it was going up to this point. The fear that everything can be lost any moment is still present, but the worst case scenario of losing it all at once was not realized – days just continued flowing. That was the only thing mattered for me.
“As far as the lifestyle I have in Toshoji and outside of it recently is unchanged I do not need any extra: neither moving forward, nor letting go. – I thought, – Let the time stay frozen… If it refuses, I’ll have to do something, but for now let it just stay frozen – cold winter allows.”
Although one of the things I’ve noticed on the spot is that I felt like I am enjoying both the described phone talk and the talk I had in my dream. I felt that I’ve stepped into some land unknown up to this point and liked it despite potential negative implications. “I’ve read about similar things, but as for real… I see.” – I felt on the spot, while after consideration it was: “I do not crave for a new experience, but given the monotony of the life in a monastery even a negative one can be desired”. This stance is in a direct dichotomy with the previous paragraph, but both feelings are very present.
Part 2. Everything else.
I would omit the whole thing from the yearbook but in this case its value for me will be close to zero – every other aspect of my life is less interesting and less engaging than the one described above: I am doing my best, but not that interested in getting any specific outcome. I’ve got an opportunity to do Hossenshiki at Toshoji. The whole thing is five minutes of shouting which are being decorated by one hour of ceremonies and prostrations. The way the thing conducted implies a huge amounts of rehearsal, so by the moment of the event itself despite shouting loudly the only thought left is “Okay, so this one is real. I thought it will be more engaging…” Except for this there were also a several months of doing shuso and deciding who is doing what in terms of work: the stakes of making a mistake when deciding who is going to weed and who is cleaning the kitchen are not that high, so more or less the same “Fun, when it is really busy, but not engaging especially after the busiest moments of Antaiji.”
At the end of August I’ve been doing tenzo. One of senpais advised what should I cook (well, decided menu for me). I felt offended and decided to leave and go back to Antaiji – talking to the abbot of this place, receiving the documents and even announcing the date, but several people – including both girls from the section above – gived me a hint that it is better to reconsider my decision, so I’ve changed my plans. Disappointed several people I know, which see staying in a monastery to be a waste of time or would prefer to have me in a different monastery rather than here, but c’est la vie. Have no regrets.
In Antaiji during September five days sesshin I’ve reached a conclusion that everything in my life as a monk is a lie and everything I am doing on a daily basis is even more so, so I’d decided to unsubscribe from Soto Shu Registry of Monks. Even downloaded all the forms, but it requires me having an inkan, requires me having a relative who also has an inkan, requires asking my teacher and one more person to make a stamp and so on, so in several days my enthusiasm was gone. In a several weeks after returning from Antaiji I gave up on the project completely. The only results of the whole thing was a week or so of depression and inability to do anything in Toshoji after I’ve returned and a short letter I wrote to one of my friends – with whom I’ve practiced in Toshoji before – criticizing ceremonies and all the things going with them. Even received an answer. Nevertheless, the whole project of removing my name was frozen due to the circumstances of Part 1, while my depression was also forgotten for the same reasons: I was to busy cooking, managing things and trying to maintain my connections to let the whole name removal procedure happen. Have no regrets either: I am okay with where I am now, even if the things keeping me going themselves are slightly questionable.
Nevertheless, people are still trying to give me some kind of remedy from being a monk. “Here, look at this guy – he is this, this and that, but he’s managed to get some kind of success.” or “You have a great abilities in this thing. If you’d ever consider doing this, you can live on it.” I know that the most of those are overstatements – abilities do not promise success, success does not necessarily means happiness, but even with that being the case, I do not care that much. The only activity I would consider to be more or less important during my whole life was a science. “Research. Progress. Cool!” – but then I’ve got into this Zen wormhole in Antaiji and now here; the whole story with a science looks to be a distant dream: although, for any given young person of a medium to high intelligence, I would rather advise to try science, not Zen, for myself the perspective changed to much – healing people and making huge metal constructions fly are impressive, but when it comes to my very experience during zazen, scientific advance does not make any difference, while outside of it, the whole difference might have a rather negative value – maybe not in case of productivity, but in terms of experience. In the first place, who said that the best way to do something is to do it as fast as possible?
With everything from the Part 1 being a practice, practically there is not even a lot of time to “practice” more monastic things, not to say anything about trying to resolve some abstract questions about values and interpretations of the whole world. During the day I would do things for Toshoji while also trying to spend as much time as possible with the person who is around, at night I would have an hour or so of a phone talk, so the all the zazen periods I had were either sleeping or struggling with being sleepy (and the only exceptions of the rule would be those periods when I would not be able to sleep even during the night because of being to agitated feeling that I am losing it and trying to find the correct thing to do). Trying to focus or even just paying attention were out of question. Dropping off one of the sides were out of question also.
With all of these happening I remember reading young Joseph Goebbels diaries (not because I feel sympathetic, obviously). He was approximately of my age and would devote the most of the text to a girl he would presently be in love with (the names would change from month to month). Then he would get into politics. Given the role he plays in events from back then on and the way he is going to end his life, those early writings look so ridiculous. Nevertheless, they are way more vivid than the last ones with thoughts about the significance of propaganda, hysterics about people not doing enough to support the country and reports about armies succeeding of failing in fights with other armies – namely, people succeeding or failing with killing other people. One of his last phantasies was running away from the country, finding some small village to live and writing just for the sake of getting some minimal means of existence. Never happened. Too much politics. Too much grand projects.
I guess practice can go a similar way. I miss a harder life I had back then in Antaiji, but do not necessarily insist on increasing the amount of it over what is presently here already. I am Okay with being busy with things described above. Panicking from time to time when it looks like everything is going to fall apart, but feeling Okay. Mostly. At least if I do not think to much of others and do not aim to get out of here as soon as possible…
Part 3. Nothing.
Several days after the whole story described in the Interaction section, I’ve been subscribed for listening a Dharma Talk given by Inoue Kando Roshi in Entsuji. The talk itself I’ve liked, although trying to reduce it to some theoretical points is useless. And I am also not competent in doing so. But if I would have to summarize really shortly: learn from your eyes. If you see something, then you see it – there is only one way to see the thing. Learn from your ears. If you hear something, then you hear it – there is only one way to hear the thing. And so on. But when it comes to thinking…
In a short self-introduction part following the talk itself, among other things I’ve expressed a gratitude for reminding me about the importance of concentrating on the present moment. Upon listening self-introductory talks from 20 or so people, Roshi mainly commented that “concentrating on the present moment” thing by saying that when one has his eyes opened and sees something, it has nothing to do with concentrating or not. See – see. Not – not. While the thing which is called “now” does not exist, which should be obvious for everyone. The point is taken.
The next discussion was more interesting. A person asked something about his life, continuing talking for several minutes. Roshi asked him to stop talking and eat one of cookies which were on the table. “Can you see now?” For everyone sitting in the hall something had become obvious – I felt. When the cookie is being eaten it does taste, but not more than that. The experience of a taste is not good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, strong or weak. And the same goes for every other experience a person might have in his or her life. The person which was talking, tried to counterattack by saying that the fact that the taste of the cookie by itself is beyond the categories is not really that useful for one’s daily life, but – as far as I could grasp – Roshi answered “What daily life are you talking about? Is it here now? You’ve just made it up, right?” Obviously, it is just one of the tricks Zen Religion has as a tool, but it did make sense for me.
I have one strong memory from my childhood. I’ve been asked by my parents which is my favorite color. The question content was a rather surprising for me back then. “Why would I distinguish?” – I thought. I’ve expressed my concern, but apparently it was the case that every person would necessarily have a favorite color. Several steps of a discussion more, and I’ve got to the point, where I would just admit that if I am exposed to a certain color for a long time and do not feel uncomfortable about being in such a conditions, than I can say that that color is my favorite color. Consensus between me and my parents was like this: “Yellow. Since the blanket I usually have is yellow.” Wow.
The same thing is continuing to happen for my whole life with everything else: food, music, pictures, emotions and just whatever else. I do not really have a preference! At least not the one I am aware of. During zazen it is hard even to be sure if I prefer to be in pain or not. It’s all just made up with some random heuristics answering questions about frequency, prevalence or rarity – not judging the experience itself or even talking about it – losing it. Moreover the thing which is called “liking” or “disliking” comes 100% as an interpretation, which can usually be overrode.
Whether I am talking about shouting at Hossenshiki, about a romantic affair or about eating cookies if it happens with some expectation it is always “Okay. Here we go. Something is happening. Is it it? Is it already the thing?” or “It should be the thing, but it does not feel like it. All the same.” Maybe a nuclear amount of zazen or some heavy drugs can remove the notion, but I doubt that it is both possible and necessary. As for being a human, even deciding to kill or to die – feels the same. I considered suicide for a while (maybe not deep enough since I am still here, but nevertheless!) – it would be nice if it is like some ancient tragedy or comedy with a person going crazy and completely out of control, but practically since it comes from expectations it was always – always, however far you go with it – “OK. Here we go. I kinda feel shitty and want to die. And I have to make a pact with myself, because if I do not, I might be against dying, so let’s decide the day and the time. I know that it should be done, right? Right? Here is the list of reasons. Be consistent!” The biggest thing I would observed being killed was a wild deer, and it is approximately the same: “Living beings should not be killed, especially if they are of more or less developed lifeforms… Excited. This is my reaction for someone killing the thing. Here is the reaction the thing has for the spear. I wonder if I would behave the same? Almost there… Finished. Don’t feel special.” It goes for sexual activities as well, but let me not describe it. In any of the given cases I would be quite excited by the thing, but excitement was just a set of physiological states. While the thought was not even there at the given moment.
And you never know what exactly is the outcome of any given thing, but it also never matters: with an assumption that I am alive, my eyes see, my ears hear and the whole thing merges into one experience without this and that. And only on top of that experience a noise of people’s expectation and all other kinds of brainwashing from outside force me to say “This I like. While that is really, really bad.”
I’ve been learning for more than five year how to become one with the object of the interaction and doing everything I can for what or who is around. The best thing out there is the thing happening to me. “Hit me if you want, but I don’t say this – I don’t say that.” – There is no preference. It’s all made up!
Part 4. Leaving the door open or not. Fabrication of the mind.
Practically, not making things up is not what people – including me – are doing. Even if I’ve made it up and every word from now on is a lie.
If someone thought that Part 3 answers things in Part 1 – it is not: neither side would accept it, and even for me the whole value of the thing stated in the previous paragraph is the way it removes any notion of responsibility for me. Here I have a huge mission to disappoint both sides and also a reader. All the interpretations are necessarily a lie, but I will try to do it with only the ones which I believe to be true.
I dislike ceremonies and the way things are being done in Toshoji – by the present moment it is out of a question, since I am to busy with the questions above, but back then in August I’ve decided to donate the most of my savings to both Antaiji and Toshoji having almost nothing left. The aim was forcing myself to leave the temple, do some begging practice and return to Antaiji. Or go to the next point of dislocation. Never happened! Now I’ve learned how to not notice all the ceremonies (be busy with something else) despite heting them; now I do not want to leave even for a short time, while also do not feel like all the savings were necessary. On the other hand it makes me as immobile as possible if some changes is being imposed on me.
Next. As for Antaiji. Approximately one year ago my career trajectory would be to do my best to finish with my training ASAP, get a colored Soto-shu robe hopefully – after finishing another couple years of training in Antaiji. This would resolve everything in such a nice way – no ceremonies, a loads of zazen and pure-pure practice. Isn’t it the way it was going to be from the very beginning? While I still do not want to make connections to temples except for Antaiji, the trajectory is getting harder to reach. I have another twenty years to finish my practice and I am not going to let it be over as soon as possible anymore. I do not like being a constantly subordinate Unsui and do love to have power and/or responsibility of any kind, but those things are not the top priority, while Osho’s life in Soto sect is not necessarily more easy or more productive than Unsui’s is. Would resolve some problems, but only some. What’s going to happen? I dunno.
Next. And main for now. As for love affairs. The fact that there are only two people being constantly around makes the whole thing look dilemmatic. I know what I feel now. Nevertheless, it has never been said that an emotion or even a feeling should be a basis to decide anything, since those have a tendency to change. Yet, it is hard to resist and – if overdone – no decision can be made at all. In Russian it is said that “you can not give a command to your heart”, but for what I have here, even being able to do so doesn’t seem to help. For giving a command it is necessary to know what the purpose is: so, if I would want to maximize my involvement into Zen practice – it is option A, if I want to get as much money as possible – it is B, if I want to have a lot of fun – it is C and so on. I am not trying to pretend a better person here, but here when it comes to people, people are becoming the purposes rather then means by themselves, therefore the balance is impossible to find. Having something as an aim, would not make “giving an order” that hard, but there is none.
Here I have a problem with impermanence and attachments. For both sides I have a large “sunk costs” already, and when it comes to the person to person communication, sunk costs narrative is not a fallacy. For both sides – more or less – letting go would mean betraying something, which also means betraying myself. And, although my first take would be proposing “coexistence” – whatever it means – that is not what I actually want either. Obviously, I want both B and C sides be available any moment I want, but I also want to be available myself for either side whenever it is wanted, so not a way to have both sides is being looked for – it is stressful and demanding even there is no need to lie at all, but a way to live two lives – completely parallel with even the notion of the line A being forgotten when line N is active and vice versa. How can it be resolved here and now – I do not know, but I feel that it might be a good idea to stop searching for “the best” decision. There is none.
Two years ago I wrote a huge yearbook which was around 50% about the fact that I am slightly autistic. A wonderful discovery! Back then I’ve uploaded the yearbook, but in a couple of days I’ve replaced the text with a way shorter and way more meaningless one – I’ve never been diagnosed (and not really interested in getting the diagnose), thus uploading it would only offend readers among those who have lives harder than mine. Additionally, the condition would explain everything, but exactly that was a problem – I want to solve questions not to explain them out by saying “Hell with whatever you can complain about – I am on the spectrum!” to anything arising (back then for a couple months I would do precisely this both for people and for myself). By now I do not even identify with the thing, which would make the whole text – given it has been uploaded and kept – a lie. I’m a typical person, mostly.
Was it a good idea to not upload anything back then? I think so. And for similar reasons I think that I should stop writing this yearbook this moment. Before I get to the point of trying to measure feelings; before starting talking about genetics; before the balance between long-term values and those of the shorter-term is attempted to be found; and before I found a good excuse to discount others completely. Originally, I was going to disclose a number of pieces of information in relation to what I am doing, what I am thinking and what I am feeling, but even having things written in previous paragraphs are already enough to stain my reputation for the rest of my life, remove any notion of “authenticity” from any action I might want to do from now on and cause pain.
I do not care about the yearbook that much when I am not writing it, but when I am, for a week or so, I have a tendency to think that writing and uploading it is some kind of a superpower. Not many people will read it, but those who will (especially if they know me) will gain something and hopefully will behave a certain way. Which is true, but whatever (if anything) I’ve reached by the previous texts could be accomplished by just talking to people directly (or online at least). So, the only thing the whole project is about: making me think that I am not involved into anything, while also letting me feel that I have some power. Not going to happen this time.
Whatever should be solved by a talk should be solved by it from the beginning – without reducing responsibility rate from my side, especially since the whole thing is happening because of me. And “because of me” in a bad way.
The last year I’ve finished the text by saying “I am not in control and not going to change it.” This time there is no closing line. My own actions and decisions caused a lot of thoughts which could be prevented to appear and a decent amount of anxiety to follow. Moreover, I hope that I overstate it, they’ve also caused a similar emotions in people I know. Good that (at least sometimes) I can sit, observe and see that all the thoughts are temporary and all the anxiety consists of physical sensation sets only, though the same cannot be promised for others. I have to be in control, but I can only be honest.
Maybe the best thing was not to upload anything. And it feels that writing it was of no help, but what is written is written and – if it has some effects – let them be. I only hope that the worst outcomes (if any) will damage my life, not someone else’s.
I’m still not in control and still not going to change it. But this is what’s left.
For this year, once more: there is no closing line. Not in the yearbook.
Itei
December