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<\/a>Today is the day before Rohatsu Sesshin. Another year has passed. I just read through my past yearbook installments just to make sure I\u2019m not saying the same things over again, but honestly it feels like not much has changed. Of corse I could say that everything has changed, because everything is impermanent right? But most things don\u2019t feel like they\u2019ve changed significantly enough for me to discuss them. Although, I have started talking to my ex-girlfriend again. Maybe it just shows that I\u2019m incapable of letting go of my attachments, but I\u2019ve also been reminded of the importance of being more attentive in the present instead of worrying about what I should do in the future. Of corse it\u2019s important to have self discipline and to not be constantly driven by desires, and that\u2019s probably an important part of the precepts as well. But restricting myself from all the pleasures of life is basically impossible, and that seems to miss the point as well. So instead of making futile promises to myself about the future, I have been trying to pay more attention to how I feel and act in the present, especially when experiencing discomfort and pleasure. <\/p>\nWether it\u2019s physical or mental, running from discomfort and chasing pleasure is an extremely difficult habit to break, but neither last forever anyway, so it seems reasonable to let things just come and go. This is much easier said than done. <\/p>\n
Sometimes just noticing myself in the act is enough to stop myself, but other times I continue on regardless. I have tried many things to try to break out of it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn\u2019t, but at the end of it all, it just comes back again and again anyway. I feel like I do make some progress, but it never really feels like the progress made is due to my own efforts. Or maybe it is a result of my efforts, but I have no idea what allows me to make such efforts when I do. <\/p>\n
In any case, I\u2019m constantly coming up with crazy reasons as to why I am the way I am, and trying to change myself based on these reasons. I know very well that these reasons are on the same level as superstitions. Nevertheless, I constantly find myself back in this world of mental constructions. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So I wonder, what is it called when you do the same things over and over again, even though you know you\u2019ll fail every time?<\/p>\n
I guess I just can\u2019t stop trying because I feel the need to solve this impossible problem. I keep trying and trying just to end up where I started, and sometimes I feel as though giving up is what\u2019s needed. But I don\u2019t have the balls to do that either. The problem is that I think there\u2019s a problem, but where do these thoughts even come from anyway? Here I go again. Often I feel as though Antaiji is a mental hospital for me, because being here helps me keep these thoughts in check. I think anyone reading this can see what I mean. <\/p>\n
Looking back at what I\u2019ve written so far, I don\u2019t even think half of it makes any sense, but I think it shows just how lost I am, so I\u2019ll leave it as it is. Although I think I\u2019ve ultimately said the same things again this year, this is my life. For now I\u2019m just grateful for Antaiji, the abbess, and the sangha for making sure I don\u2019t go off into crazy land. I know at some point during this sesshin I\u2019ll find myself there anyway, but I trust that I\u2019ll be able to come back, because for some odd reason I always do. Thank the God and the Buddha Way for that. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u5149 Today is the day before Rohatsu Sesshin. Another year has passed. I just read through my past yearbook installments just to make sure I\u2019m not saying the same things over again, but honestly it feels like not much has changed. Of corse I could say that everything has changed, because […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":19370,"menu_order":7,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"side-navigation.php","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-19380","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19380","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19380"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19380\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19525,"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19380\/revisions\/19525"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/19370"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/antaiji.org\/ja\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19380"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}