Adult practice: Part 11
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In Buddhism there are ten precepts called the "ten
grave prohibitons". It is said that any monk who breaks any of these
prohibitons will fall straight into hell. These ten precepts start with
the precept of not killing, and they also include the precept not to talk
about the mistakes of the others, the precept not to slander Buddha,
Dharma or Sangha (this is including any Buddhist monk, however lowsy his
practice may be), also the precept not to praise oneself while talking bad
about others, and the precept not to lie, that means not to talk at all
while in the midst of delusion. During this one year I have broken at
least these four out of the "ten grave prohibitions" with what I have
written about "adult practice". I will have to prepare myself for life in
hell...
What then is the reason why I am breaking these precepts,
even though I should know better? The reason why I am criticising my
senior Dharma brother (which is something you really should not do) is
simply that his difficulties with the practice of shikantaza are
difficulties that everyone of us will encounter sooner or later, and he
simply happens to express these difficulties in a clear way that makes our
own problems easier to understand. Sadly, he did not succeed in resolving
his problems, but if we do not take care, we will also end up blaming
others for our own misfortune. This, of course, is true for myself too,
and I hope to come to talk about how I myself dealt with my own doubts
during practice in the following months.
Anyway, as long as we do
not solve these problems, we won't be save even if we achieve rebirth in
heaven - we will be miserable and bored ("there's a band in heaven, they
play my favorite song, they play it over and over, they play it all night
long..." - Talking Heads). If on the other hand these problems can be
solved, if maybe I can help even one single person to find stability and
confidence in the practice of just sitting, than I (as well as that
person) will have peace even in hell. Therefore, I will continue to make
some critical remarks about how we should deal with our zazen
practice.
The criticism that I have been making during these months
is nothing that my seniors would not know themselves. Actually, the Dharma
Brother whom I am bitching about all the time wrote himself in his first
year here at Antaiji:
"I am starting to behave as if I had
'understood' something these days... have I forgotten my initial desire to
practice the way with my body, not my brain? I am starting to relax here
at Antaiji, and before I know it, it is as if I was on vacation. Antaiji
is not a school. Even though people here may be given a task, it is still
up to them to solve it. Each one of us has to search for himself,
penetrate it by himself. Nobody will teach you here. So the questions is:
How much, in what way, will you knock on the door that you want to be
opened? My mother told me that I was living in easy retirement here... is
it really o.k. for me to think of zazen as a time for taking a nap, when
Bodhidharma sat facing the wall for nine years, thus giving an example of
the effort that has to be made? It seems that I do not understand at all
the transciency of my own life. How can I waste the time of my life here
at Antaiji, being absent in the present moment? I have to ask myself on
and on: Aren't you escaping into an easy retirement here? The question
that I have to face is what I am actually doing here in Antaiji, which is
supposed to be a place for the practice of shikantaza. Am I really clear
about who I am, what I am doing? This is the meaning of arousing Bodhi
mind and returning to zazen for a hundred thousand times. This is what
'awakening' means. Everything is contained in the sitting. Why? Because I
have come here to study the Buddha way..."
Pretty much all of what
I have said so far in the "adult practice" series is contained in these
few words by my Dharma brother. How do you knock on the door of zazen? If
this is the question that guides your practice, you should not go astray.
So how did my senior's practice develop during the three years before I
first came to Antaiji? Before I quote from his article in the Antaiji
yearbook of 1990, I want to give a quite long quote from the work of a
different monk, that might help to understand the atmosphere at Antaiji at
that time:
"A: Still raining... when will it finally stop!? We must
have had rain here for about two thirds of the year.
B: Depressing.
It's because of this weather that my mind is all warped.
C: That
typhoon did quite some damage, didn't it? The whole water dam filled with
dirt, rocks and fallen trees. I'm glad we've finally dug it all out - at
one point I was really worried if we would ever have drinkable water
again. At least now we have water to drink, and the days of the "mud bath"
are over too.
B: Are you really sure? The time before when we cleaned
the dam, the next day all that dirt from above came flowing down and
filled it up again. Don't you remember?
D: Yeah, that was really
something! I guess it's just another example of the truth that things
don't always come your way - except for mud and dirt! Before the typhoon,
the wild boars ate all the sweet potatoes in the field, just like last
year. All the plans that we had made have been erased. The plans about the
rice, the wild vegetables, the cow...
C: That means that all phenomena
arise and disappear without relation to our egos. It is a teaching of
universal non-substantiality!
B: When I hear you talking, I wonder what
kind of lofty practice you are doing here at this 'Antaiji'?
E: We
invested all that time and energy to weed the rice fields thoroughly this
year in the hope to have less work next year, but now that they have all
been washed a way, we have to start again from zero next year. The rice
field looks like the Great Canyon...
A: And what will we do about
vegetables for the winter? Because of all this rain this year, all the
green vegetables and the azuki beans have died - even in the village at
the bottom of the mountain they are complaining about the harvest.
E:
Well, what we don't have, we don't have - we'll have to make do with the
things that we do have. Also our plans for the work will have to change:
Usually, we would be cutting grass now, but this year there won't be any
time for that. As no cars will be able to pass that road, we won't be able
to transport the trees that we already cut for the winter either. Also, we
will have to carry all the gasoline and food stuffs that we'll need during
the winter on our backs up the mountain. Now, that will be some
work!
C: How much snow will we have this winter? I hope not so
much.
B: Who the hell knows? Better get prepared for the winter soon...
already running out of sake? Who's drinking so much? Don't forget to
provide for alcohol and food stuff!
F: Look at this newspaper article
about the self-defense forces. Are they really going to send them to the
Gulf War? This is dangerous!
C: This generation criticized the last
generation for not opposing the Second World War, but before you know it,
they are doing just the same. How will they face the criticism of the next
generation?
E: Let me have a look..."
Even in a situation like
this, when everybody seemed to be concerned with their surroundings,
especially with what they would have to eat during the winter, my Dharma
brother reflects on his zazen practice in the same yearbook:
"When
I sit, all kinds of random thoughts enter my head. Even without my
noticing it, a thought starts to occupy my head, then disappears again,
just for another thought to take its place. One time I think about one
thing, being completely absorbed by my thoughts. But then, before I
realize it, I am fast asleep, my sitting posture has crumbled, and - once
I correct my posture and try to return to zazen - I start thinking
again."
These problems are something that many encounter when they
get used to the practice to a certain degree, say after 3 or 4 years. Even
though you try your best, it can be like running against a wall that seems
impossible to break through. Especially at a time when everyone is
exhausted from work, it can be difficult to practice zazen as if you were
on fire. Still, if you are as aware of the problem as my Dharma brother
seemed to be, it should be possible to break through this wall after
all.
This, again, is not only about my Dharma brother. Writing this
article about "adult practice", I feel that I myself am not progressing so
much: I am repeating myself over and over, and I wonder how much more time
will elapse until I get to the point of adult practice. Once again, I have
to ask for your patience. I have the feeling that these problems that
occur to advanced practioners deserve our close attention, and even though
I am afraid that I start to bore you with my talk, I will continue to
examine the old Antaiji yearbooks next month.
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