Gottfried (46yo, Psychologist / Business Consultant from Munich, Germany)

After my return from Japan I was often asked by friends and colleagues about my experiences. „How was it? Did you get any benefit from your stay at the monastery?” and - particularly painful: „Well, are you enlightened now?”

With so much effort of preparation, time and also money there has to be at least some profit. Flying to Japan for living in a monastery, instead of travelling through the country. Is it not possible to get this in Europe too?

I hardly can tell you what I really have experienced in Antaiji. Of course I got a lot of experience and became acquainted with many new things. The meeting with Docho-san Muho and the members of the Sangha retains particularly alive in my memory.

However initially I had the feeling that something was taken away from me. In Antaiji, you are supposed to commit yourself to the way of the sangha life. If you want to get into the practice of Antaiji, it is only possible to do this by not following the innumerable impulses of the ego. Nobody asks you: What do you prefer to eat today? When do you like to sit zazen and how long? With whom do you like to live together in the room? What do you care to do or work today? The daily life in the monastery requires to commit yourself to the things you are told to do in an absolutely way and to put your individual needs behind. This is a very difficult practice, especially in the beginning. But I assume, that even after a longer stay, there will be times, at which the ego bites fierce.

In the first weeks I also became quite scared. What would they do with me there? I had special difficulties with the Antaiji rule, that you should eat everything, which is served to you during formal meals. So I was afraid, that I could be forced to eat things which could disgust me. In the end, this never happened and it became clear, that my fear was for no reason. A further special experience was it to be constantly criticized. In the beginning you always make something “wrong”. (Our Shika did what he could do, in order to intensify this experience J.)

Additionally I had the feeling, that my zazen was not “better” or “deeper” than at home. I felt pulled away from Antaiji, I wanted to travel to the wonderful Japanese coast, instead of bearing the arduous monastery life, without highlights, without acknowledgment, without anything. After 4 weeks I was in such a condition that I counted the days and thought about leaving Antaiji much earlier than I had planed. My my partner in Germany encouraged me by email to stay.

At this bottom I made the decision to remain in Antaiji, to dedicate this time, commit myself to whatever is required by me and participate as well as possible. I cannot tell, what it was, that changed something in my attitude. In the end I gave up and began to accept the situation as it was.

After that something amazing happened: All the torment disappeared and I experienced a tendency of balance and a kind of quiet joy. More and more I sensed that this was exactly the place, where the koans of life are arising: Picking up a rice grain, checking the electric fence, cutting the grass. And that it is a gift to work conjointly on the rice field while it is raining or weeding the hatake. I experienced that it can be a great relief, if I can let go and win some distance from the slavery of my ego. It was, as if the ego had become lighter or more permeable. I began to be touched.

More and more Antaiji became a spiritual home. Finally it was very hard for me to say goodby to Antaiji and I was rather sad.

In this mental condition I came back home. But there all my demons found the house empty-swept, moved in again and performed a bad dance. After my return, the structures and patterns of my ego again assumed control, with all associated suffering.

Now I was lucky to find a small zendo with an autorized teacher and a very lively sangha just five hundred meters from my home in Munich. Every day, I gratefully wear the rakusu that Docho-san gave to me. It remembers me, how the practice of zazen is connecting me with people all over the world.

Thanks and gassho to Docho-san and the sangha!

Photos

Grass-cutting with Kurahashi-san.

After five days sesshin, a little bit desolved, but happy.

Don´t believe if they tell you, there wouldn´t be some fun and even romantic moments at Antaiji ;-)

After planting rice fields at Ryowa-san´s temple. A wonderful day!