Adult practice: Part 10
|
For the last three months I have been reflecting about the first
impressions I got at Antaiji. I described how the image of "zen" that I
had as an university student differed quite a lot from the life that I
found in the Zen monastery. And just as I wrote before, I was especially
surprised to find the monks mostly sleeping during zazen. This reality
drastically contradicted the romantic idea that I had of Zen
practice.
I realize that I am pretty good at finding other people's
faults. I am not so good though at seeing my own faults. I also have the
tendency to look for my ideal somewhere "out there", and when I can not
find it in reality, I will blame it on my surroundings and the people I
see there. But isn't it myself who has to realize the ideal in
reality, rather than wait for the ideal to jump out of reality like a
jack-out-of-the-box? I think it was this simple point that Miyaura Roshi
wanted me and all of his other disciples to wake up to when he told us
that "you create Antaiji". But because we do not understand this simple
point, we get disappointed by the reality we find and start to hate our
environs, or we go to the other extreme and throw our ideal into the trash
box, fooling ourselves into thinking that this is what is called "to
accept things as they are". Needless to say, both ways to react to reality
have nothing to do with what I call "adult practice".
When we deal
with the problem of sleeping during zazen, adult practice has to start
with two realizations: First, we have to realize that we are actually
sleeping. Second, we have to realize that it is ourselves that are
sleeping.
Both things seem to be trivial, but actually it is more
difficult than we would expect. Last month I already referred to an
episode that happened on one day, when the snoring during the morning
zazen had been especially loud. During the tea-meeting of that day, our
teacher, Miyaura Roshi, remarked: "Zazen and sleep are not the same thing.
Don't fool yourselfs!"
After the meeting, the monk with the snore said:
"Who was he possibly talking about? I didn't see anyone sleeping!" One of
his Dharma-brothers replied: "Why, of course not, it was you!" This again
led to his remark: "Oh really, well, maybe that's just how it is. Can't be
helped..."
When we are really fast asleep, it is only natural that we
do not realize that we are sleeping. The problem starts when someone opens
our eyes to the reality. Do we realize that only we can take
responsibility for our zazen, and that if we want to wake up, we have to
wake up by ourselves? Later, the monk with the snore left Antaiji, and I
was surprised to find his words on the Internet:
"I received
instruction in the tradition of Sawaki Kodo Roshi. What I was told was to
just shut up and sit. Things like concentrating on the breath or counting
the breath are forbidden there, that is why the demons of sleep overcame
me, or I was usurped by random thoughts."
"The problem is that we do
not know exactly what just sitting (shikantaza) is. I think the most
important help to let us know is our master."
"It is a big difference
to understand Dogen Zenji's Fukanzazengi as a practical instruction to be
used in one's actual daily life, rather than some lofty theory with no
relation to one's practice. If you have no special means to make you
realize this point clearly, you will never get a grip on your mind. You
will be like a kindergarten kid trying to study at university."
When we read these quotes, we have to see clearly the difference
between a childish attitude and adult practice. Otherwise we will fall
into the same pit hole.
First, about the remark that concentrating on
the breath or counting the breath are forbidden in the tradition of
Sawaki: This is certainly not true (and my brother knew that very well).
In his "Instructions for Zazen", which unfortunately I haven't translated
into English at the present moment, Sawaki Roshi quotes Keizan Zenji's
"Zazenyojinki" when discussing the question where to put the mind during
zazen.
Sawaki Roshi says: "If your mind is distracted put it on
the tip of your nose, or in your lower belly (tanden) area. Or you can
also count your breath."
Uchiyama Roshi, Sawaki Roshi's disciple,
says in an article (which you find in full here):
"Breathe
the breath of your whole life, each single breath, each single moment. To
live means to breathe this breath right now, and therefore to live your
"raw/fresh" life naturally doesn't mean to think about it in your head. It
means to accept life as life - as "raw, fresh and alive" - and to develope
an attitude of living. When you do this, that is exactly (what Dogen Zenji
calls in the "Bendowa") "the great matter of a life time of study coming
to the end". It is also the start of true practice of shikantaza ("just
sitting")".
Isn't it pretty obvious that words like these are NOT
meant as "some lofty theory with no relation to one's practice"? What
could they possibly be if not "a practical instruction to be used in one's
actual daily life"? So how can we complain that because nobody taught us
what shikantaza really is, "the demons of sleep overcame me, or I was
usurped by random thoughts"?! I am repeating myself, but I have to say it
again: When we sleep during zazen, WE sleep during zazen. Nobody else is
responsible for that. It is a great mistake to blame it on the "demons of
sleep" or on the missing instruction of the teacher. First of all, was
that instruction really missing, or did we just not hear it, because it
did not please our ears?
I am continuing to critize my
Dharma-brother, but was he really so stupid that he did not understand
such a trivial matter? Actually no, he certainly was not. He understood
perfecly well in his head. Unfortunately, he did not practice it with his
body. Although the monks at that time slept a lot during zazen, they
discussed nothing more enthusiastically than questions like: "What the
hell IS shikantaza ("just sitting")" "What does it really mean to practice
the Buddha way?"
Especially this one Dharma brother of mine never
stopped asking these questions to himself and others. All of his articles
in the old "Antaiji Yearbooks" for example are dedicated to these
questions.
I want to take a look at them next month, before I
procede with my own experiences and difficulties. I also hope to offer
some concrete suggestions of how to read "Instructions for Zazen" and the
like, and how to deal with all kinds of difficulties during zazen and
practice on the whole. Until then, I will have to ask for a lot of your
patience.
<<< Previous chapter | Contents | Next chapter >>> |