Myosei (Spain, 36yo)

I have been 4 times at Antaiji. The last time was 5 years ago. Antaiji has always been heaven and hell for me. Since my first time I had a deep impression in my deepest heart. But now I realize that I always lived in Antaiji in an intellectual way. In the chapter of the Shobogenzo called "Ikka no Myoju" we find this dialogue:

One day a monk asked Master Gensa, “I have heard that you say that the whole Universe which extends in all directions is one bright pearl. How should we, your students, understand this?”

Master Gensa replied, “The whole Universe which extends in all directions is one bright pearl. How could it be useful to understand these words intellectually?”

Later, The Master said: “Now I see that you have only been trying to understand my words intellectually, as if struggling with a demon in a cave on a black mountain.”

All I have is all I need. But at that time I was "struggling with a demon in a cave on a black mountain". However something remained in my self, I think. At least to be able to recognize that all "is one bright pearl". Because, very fast we are drunk in our delusions. As in another chapter of the Shobogenzo of Master Dogen called "Muchu Setsumu", we find the idea that to preach Buddhism is to preach a dream in an other dream. This other dream is the "dream" of our life. After my last time at Antaiji, sadly I have reached the idea that I have been too much caught by the "dream" of my life. Even I got the impression that I would never be able to live completely with all my self at Antaiji. This idea is a little sad for me because I have an enormous respect for the life that monks at Antaiji are able to realize. Sometimes I ask myself if people like me that have practiced zazen for some years will be unable to live at Antaiji in a way less intellectually as Gensha said.

In my first time at Antaiji, the Docho was Shinyou Miyaura and on my second time Muho replaced him. I have always been impressed by the deep and strong decision of Muho-san being able to lead Antaiji. From now I feel sometimes the need to pay my respects to Muho-san, as many times I was like the Master says in Ikka no myoju "as if struggling with a demon in a cave on a black mountain.”

In front of the walls of Antaiji, when anybody does zazen, walk, cooks, washes or anything, everything is seen as "one bright pearl" even if people like me struggled with a demon in a cave on a black mountain. But at least the pearl can be touched, smelled and be conscious that exists. In a stressing city, in a daily life of work that chaines us in egoistical relationships, the bright one pearl fastly disappears, not because disappears of this world, because we are drunk by our deluded minds. No silence. The senses always in a big demmand. And so...what we can do? It is not everything the "one bright pearl"? And from this point we turn dualistics and think about Antaiji's life...Even it was too much hard for us in a certain past time.

From a stressing city as mine, to know that a place as Antaiji exists, is a jewel thas must be preserved and my most humble way I encourage to all monks and to Docho-san to preserve it as much as they can.

My most deep gratitude to all monks and specially to Muho-san, that has been very compassionate to me, many times.