Yearbook 2009

Antaiji


Harald (Germany, 38yo, programmer)


On a dark early November morning I mounted my bicycle, went to work and drove down a slightly declining country road. Out of unthoughtfulness I probably went astray and the last thing I remember was the banister of a bridge that appeared suddenly before me. According to my recollection of the local conditions this banister should be on the right of me and I distinctly remember my alarm about that but as I was too fast it was already too late. With a yell I fell headfirst into darkness. I do not remember how I hit the ground but I found myself in a concrete drench under the bridge. I did not have any special pain but I could not control my arms any more. They were numb and when I tried to move them they fell on my chest. Fortunately after one or two minutes I could coordinate them again, so I picked my self up, dragged my bike out of the drench and drove home again. Except for a small laceration at the back of my head and haematoma at arms and legs I seemed to be unwounded, so I again headed of for work (now by car). I had difficulties walking, but that was not a big deal if you do a bureau job. However in the afternoon I was developing black eyes which astonished me quite a lot since I do not remember having any injuries in the face. So my wife and I decided to go to the hospital so that they could have a look at me. When they saw me there the black eyes seemed to be a good enough diagnosis, because I was immediately x-rayed and indeed I had a small skull fracture. What was however to be taken more seriously was that I had a haematoma between skull and brain. According to the doctor in the emergency ambulance this had to be operated on this evening or else the haematoma might block some artery and cause brain infarct. Anyway I had to spend the next few days in the intensive care unit so that they could monitor my condition.

In the mean time my state of health quite got worse, but maybe that was only a reaction to the shock of the events of the day. I got very dizzy when lying so I spend the night sitting in bed, connected to various medical apparatuses. Every hour a nurse came to check my reflexes.

In hindsight I think that during this night the danger was already almost over, since I was under observation and even if the operation would have been necessary it was a routine for the doctors. But nevertheless I was in fear of death. Because I somehow connected my dizziness with the size of the haematoma I dared not to move since that aggravated the dizziness. At times I was convinced that I would not survive this night. Thoughts about my daughter and my wife went through my head and how I messed up my life. In order to control my fear I tried to think “This breath is all you have and you do not need more” etc. but of course to no avail. Eventually I dozed off.

The next morning I thumbed through Kosho Uchiyama's “The Zen teaching of homeless Kodo”. Fortunately I could read without difficulties although I had a pretty bad speech disorder (in a psychological test that day I should list as many animals as possible within two minutes: after 40 seconds and about ten animals I could not find more. I just could not concentrate.)

My laziness, weakness and tendency to do things I know I should not do have embarrassed me ever since. And still I cannot change myself. I always have seen my life like the following picture: “Imagine you have to lift a heavy stone sitting before you. At first you get to work with good cheer, but ‘Oops, this seems to be heavier than expected. Well, let’s try it like this.’ You change position and try a different way. But the stone does not move an inch. You try it again with all your might but without success. After several more half-hearted attempts you sit down beside and get drowned in despair. After some time the recollection of your failure gets fades and since you have no other choice you try again and again but the effort you put in is less and less. You ask yourself how long you will be able to ignore the lie in your heart, the illusory hope that one day things will change. If only you could see yourself as part of a drama, as tragic hero of whom some superhuman effort is being demanded. But the petty and trivial everyday life washes you out etc.etc.”

Kodo Sawaki: “Life your life as if you go over thin ice. With the biggest carefulness and respect.”

Give all you have, be as prudent and watchful as possible. Even if the ice then breaks and you drown, your next step will feel thin ice. Or put it in a different way: in the moment when I live unworthingly I am damned. But already in the next moment I have got the choice to live a worthy or unworthy life. Each moment begins anew; you can neither collect merits nor sins. In this sense there is no stone I have to lift, the whole picture is false. There is nothing to reach, especially not the state of mind where I do not want to reach anything. It is not about doing something great and keeping it up but it is about taking care NOW. And if I take care NOW, then there is no reward for it, but I simply have to continue to take care, like walking over thin ice.

My accident was a brand new start, but not only my accident, every moment is a brand new start. I am full of illusions and weaknesses and I will always remain like this. However the good thing about this is that this way I have no excuse to ignore my fellow men’s illusions and weaknesses. But anyway whether I am full of illusions and weaknesses is not the point at all. How I get on with my illusions and weaknesses, that is the point.

I believe that Zazen helps me in getting on with these illusions and weaknesses. Zazen should show me the background behind them. This background is both unfathomable and self-contained. It is unfathomable because everything is BEFORE this background; there are no relations within it. And it is self-contained because naturally nothing is BEYOND it at all. There is nothing else. I am here, in the background of my illusions and thoughts and that is all. There can be nothing more and this will be always like this. Probably that is the reason why in Zen there is the saying that you will always remain a beginner: if you are no beginner, then you have routine. But in Zazen you have to grasp everything: boredom, day dreams, pain and routine. And you have to grasp that again and again. Here also you cannot collect any merits.

Kodo Sawaki: “For the first time in your life you practice Zazen today. Therefore encounter every day with the same fresh spirit you have at New Year’s Day. Happy New Year! The question and contents of your practice in this very moment has to be how you encounter every moment anew.”

“If we practice all we encounter as ‘my new life’, we encounter the true self.”

“Maybe it (the inner turnaround) does not last over a longer period; so disengage at least for this moment from your ego. Practice means to disengage from your ego each moment anew.”

After my accident I had the impression that I am “in the plus”. This plus I would like to pay back. Compared to this plus my illusions and weaknesses are of no importance (except for me). For no special reason I was granted some more time. What shall I do with it? Should I continue to go on other’s nerves with my expectations of special treatment? Continue with “struggle for life”? Continue to be offended if I catch my reflection in someone’s reaction? Well, in that case maybe it would have been better for my environment if died?

Kodo Sawaki: “What a shame to be born as a human and to make nothing out of it.”

What a shame to be born as a human and to be led around by one’s illusions and desires. What a shame to be born as a human whose only relationship to things is attraction, rejection and indifference. But we do not have to run after things at all, just like during Zazen we do not have to do anything: we do not even have to control our thoughts, not even our breath. It breaths alone and we can let it be. We can just be with it without interference. We can also just be with it if our brain throws thoughts into us or a wish takes shape as soon as we have nothing to do. But we do not have to run after these wishes also. They are powerful and often we follow them but it is OK to ignore them. It is not said that we will be frustrated if they do not come true.

These illusions and desires are part of the world I experience. And at first there is no need to distinguish in this world an “Inner” and “Outer” world. How about comparing these desires to the weather (whose influence on me is of course also enormous)? If it rains it is better to stay at home. But if you have to go out (for whatsoever reason), you have to go out, maybe even without an umbrella. If you do something boring, it might be better to stop it and do something more interesting. But if you have to do it (for whatsoever reason), then you just do it. No reason to be frustrated.

Maybe I can put it like this:

I can see desire or a thought as part of me in contrast to the outer world. Then this desire fills me out and I fight with the external world so that it adjusts to this desire somehow (“struggle for life”). If it does not, I am frustrated.

How about regarding this desire as part of the world as a whole? Desire of course has the tendency to attract one’s view to it, but I think it is important not to loose sight of the rest of the world, not to loose the proportions. And the world in its entirety is neither positive nor negative; nothing is missing and nothing is too much…

We do not have to fight against our desire or wishes, we do not need to be frustrated if they do not come true and the next wish does not automatically occur stronger if the last did not come true. It is not ‘IF I do not yield to my wishes I will be saved’ but it is ‘Since there is nothing to worry at all it is OK to ignore a wish’.

Just think about how many efforts we humans make, in how much distress we are. We want this and evade that. I think it is really better to think about a different approach to life.


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