I learned a lot. I miss people whom I work and meditate with, who are like me, suffering from different things from pain, emotions from the close and every day interactions happen there between everybody and nobody really complain about things rather leave things as there are and try to deal with them in an accepting way. Just like in Zazen you get in contact with difficult states most of the time. For me its usually pain and boredom, you leave it like it is, I needed to do that constantly: After I thought “ah good now I can bear the pain” it started to be a struggle again and again and again. It may never end I don’t know. But for me I also know there is no other way then just facing what is there now. I face it and give up, try to give up, don’t try anything just let everything be as it is in a straight posture. That’s the plan. I don’t know where it takes me but I can say until now it changes me, my perception of my surroundings, my perception of myself in a way that I feel more stable and not pushed around by personal thinking and emotions coming up.
I enjoyed the silence especially after the 5 day sesshin. There was not much need to speak, you find out things by just being present, you are in contact with everybody there you don’t need to produce more by talking, actually you can lose a lot by spinning around yourself.
I enjoyed the samu, the projects I had. I learned to just start doing it without knowing will it work? am I doing it right? what is the sangha thinking about it? I felt people were giving me trust there and I did the same. I tried to give my best.
I am missing to sit on the ground or without back support. Back in Germany here are backrests everywhere and I start to become used to it. Sitting straight has an active quality, it interacts with your mind. Docho-san is talking a lot about it.
I want to thank Docho-san and the whole sangha for that opportunity being a part of it even though it was short. Arigato gozaimasu and see you next time.