A letter from a zen novice


Its almost been two months since arriving at Antaiji. The first month was fantastic. I think i did have a lot of the zen feeling. Even though I had pain, and worried whether my legs was going to break, everything was actually pure wellbeing. Like if i had found the key to how to do things. Happy, everyone was perfect, nothing did disturb me, all just progressed in feeling the transformation of self. I think this was The intuition working.

After surviving sesshinn about one month after arriving, suddenly I was back. And right now i am just as i always have been. Stucked in negative thought pattern, all concerning the self. Myself, me as a person. Probably zen practice isnt exciting for me anymore. Even though i felt that i lived intuitively and thought i was somehow sincere in my practice, im now very sure that i wasnt. My confidence allowed my intuition to flourish, but i wanted a reward for my effort. So The wellbeing was probably only from The excitement of doing well in this honored way of living. I felt like something important.

At that time I wanted to go and feel The emptiness and impermanence so i would be able to free myself from The concepts i was born in and choose my own way from a honest point of view. I thought Antaiji inspired me to choose my own original path. No matter how right my ideas from the first month felt, it is right now difficult to see my self being able to execute them. I feel weak again, The intuition is no longer working.

Now its just everyday life. Not even pain in zazen anymore. But i guess its actually here its really gonna start. Practicing zazen in Everyday life.
The short time at Antaiji has given me a spark of what zen practice is, and opened the dharma box of emptiness. There is a choice given to me, so simple as keep on sitting. 10 years is a long time, but i dont think i have nothing better to do, so i hope i will be strong enough to keep on the track.

I dont know if im trying to avoid to be self-centeret so that i can feel better.
But what Antaiji has also opened for me is the importance of trying to settle on an understanding of me as a small part of the universe. I am not different than others or other things. I will end like everything else so i shouldnt worry to much. I forget this all The time and i think that is why zazen is so important. In zazen its possible with concentration to experience the reality as much as we possibly can. Everything else than this doesnt matter. Let go to this and dont waste Energy on frustration from searching explanations concerning my 'I'. I know there is only The now. Although i dont really seem to know it. But i am only living for my own sake and its my choice to try knowing. This is how im going to start living life and not living about life.

One half of "Lucky Danish", Anders (Peacefull Buddha)