This yearbook was way longer, but every questionable in terms of common sense thing was cut off. Almost nothing is left. If no content – let it be so: the yearbook is not my soliloquy. Personal realizations are beyond sharing: let isolated facts stay isolated. This is the gravestone of the original text – but general mood is kept.
How’s my practice? I’ve failed my three years in Antaiji. I can hate myself and the world, but what’s done is done. The highest knowledge from my life is that my spiritual trip did stem from being neurologically deficient. The only notion from Buddhism I can relate is that everything is equal in death. A shame that I couldn’t find anything but death to relate to in this huge world. Whatever – let healthy people build healthy society: now it’s obvious that I’m out – voluntarily or not.
Except for this? I’m grateful to Antaiji for tolerating me for three years. I see there was no reason to have me – the laziest and the most retarded in relation to social things member of sangha. When I am out of Antaiji, there won’t be a lot of good words about my practice – can’t disagree: in the real world I wouldn’t even “pass the trial”. I’m grateful for moments of engagement in practice. And feel sorry for my human qualities.
Everyone besides Antaiji practitioners are not the aim audience of the text: I’m only saying “Thank you” and “Sorry” to the community, ignoring the outside world. Now I know: I’ve never had anything to say to that world. Not because it is meaningless or “the world” as a whole doesn’t exist, but because I just have no thoughts to sell – I would be happy to have some, but I don’t. Previous yearbooks was about making readers sad by throwing depressive content their lives don’t lack in the first place. No other way to write for me, yet this time – without wasting too much of readers’ time.
Now I have Dharma name in addition to the usual one. It should stand for the deepest reality behind thoughts – at least aspiration to get to it, but really only echoes “denial” in Japanese. I want to believe it is a negation in Mahayana sense, not a usual denial – but be honest: if one closes himself in a monastery being afraid of any human interaction and only communicates with the world once a year via these one-sided yearbooks it is hard to expect anything but denial being the deepest reality for that person.
Do I want to add anything? Not anything worth disclosing – deep shutdown IS a viable lifetime strategy. From here on it’s time to shut my mouth and sit quiet.
“That’s exactly what I wanted. I’m nice and in control.”